Getting to Know Jesus

This is my testimony. This is how I got to know Jesus, *really* know Him.

My story starts with depression. Honestly, my story continues with depression. Depression is one of my "thorns". God gives me this thorn to deal with on a daily basis so that I always come to Him & so that I have a way to connect with others & help them seek Him as well.

My parent's got divorced when I was at the end of intermediate school & getting ready to start middle school. I began to see a woman named Greta at this time. Greta & I met anywhere from every other week to once a month. It all depended on how I was doing at the time.

I struggled. I fought. All that I really wanted to do was sleep all day & hold my dog, Lucy. I was anti-social. I got to a point where I actually began to enjoy feeling depressed. I remember some days leaving school & walking through the hallways…welcoming the sadness. I would soak it in. I welcomed it. Greta & I talked about this a lot, but I never would let her in enough to fix that. One day, I let her read my journals. I let her into my *real* world. I let her in on this strange enjoyment of depression. I let her in on feeling worthless, invisible, & unloved. I let her in on my thoughts about one day just not waking up. I think this was a first step in working on fixing the depression.

All this time, I was a Christian. I went to church every Sunday & every Wednesday night. I was active in my youth group. I went on youth retreats. I had a lot of friends at church. 

All this time, I was *really* angry with God. 

Eventually, I got to a point where I really didn't want to live anymore. A friend in school had a wreck my last year in middle school & didn't make it. Then, Danny died from a bicycle accident. Danny had become one of my favorite people in the world literally months before he died. I knew him for four months before he passed.

I started my freshman year, & then Sam died. *My* Sam died. I never got to say goodbye. I never even knew he was in the hospital. I came home from school & was told he was dead. I never got to tell him all he meant to me…I couldn't breathe. Sam passing was the end of my rope. I was done. I didn't want to live in a world where Sam didn't exist anymore. I didn't want to live in world that could take a man like him away.

I didn't know how I could believe in a God that would take away the man that believed so much in me & loved me & was my *person*.

I knew that I didn't want to live anymore, but I also never really made any plans. All I had planned was that I wasn't going to stick around much longer after Resurrection. All I had planned was to just not wake up one day. My youth group had always been really important to me, & I guess some part of me felt like I owed everyone some last good memories with me. So I went to Resurrection.

This was my turning point.

I sort of owe my turning point to two people. Justin Lookadoo, & my best friend from that point in my life. Both these people were pivotal in me getting wrecked by God at Resurrection. 

The last night at Resurrection is famously known for being the night that everyone ends up breaking down & God does some incredible work on their lives. Many people end up meeting God for the first time. Many people turn back to God. It's all a little fuzzy now, but I know that as I was listening to Justin talk, & I suddenly knew that I needed to stay. I couldn't end my life & hurt the ones that I loved like that. I couldn't end my life & not do all the things that God had planned for me. I started to cry. I begged God to just let me feel Him there with me. I needed some sort of a sign. & He gave it me.

My best friend at the time sent me a text that night & told me that he felt like God told him to let me know that I was important in his life & that he would always be there for me. He told me that he knew life was rough & he didn't have answers, but he begged me to just not do anything stupid.

So my plans were done, & I was back with God.

I had some ups & downs.

I fell off the wagon. I let the world become my master. I tried to fix myself. I didn't want to burden God. How silly is that? That I would try to not "burden" God with my problems?

I was engaged for six months & the man I was supposed to marry ended everything. With this devastation in my life, I really embraced God. I honestly don't think that I ever prayed as much before as I began to then. I spent every night with my Daddy. I spent most mornings with Him. & let me tell you, I started to see so much beautiful in everything around me.

Life really started to work out. I decided to get baptized at The Walk almost two years ago now. It honestly was the best decision that I've ever made. I really gave God every aspect of my life then. 

Since then, God placed some huge changes on my heart. I finally sought real help to combat depression, & I'm at a much better place now than I've been in years. I began to help lead worship full time at St. John. I began dating Ben. I met some people that have really helped me grow as a Christian. I developed relationships with people that have pushed me to great places. I finally forgave people that I had been holding grudges against. I began to let myself heal from the loss of Sam. I joined St. John on my 21st birthday. Twice now, I've gone to feed the homeless in downtown Knoxville. 

God has been doing some incredibly things in my life since I developed a stronger relationship with Him & since I've really let Him have my life.

My story is far from perfect. It really isn't the prettiest of testimonies. It's a little messy & has some open holes in it because I honestly don't remember a whole lot about the harder times anymore. I really am just seeing all the good now. & I cannot begin to explain how thankful I am for it all.

I would love to hear from you all, & I really hope that you will be able to get something from my blog concerning God & His love for every single one of you.

xoxo

S.Graciebelle<3